My post rate really does drop off dramatically when I get back to my always-on internet connection, doesn’t it?
It’s wonderful to be at home. Not that I have any problems whatsoever with the hospital, but it can’t compare to living what sometimes so closely resembles our normal life that I can forget that it isn’t. The downside of this, of course, is that the occasional bumps into reality are a little harsher - but, as I have to remind myself, that really is a small price to pay.
For example, we went for very short walks yesterday and today. Both times my physical (and mental) limits shocked me - I’m out of breath within seconds, my leg muscles just don’t behave in any kind of reasonable, co-ordinated way, and in short, the world seems very big and scary. There are all kinds of sights and smells which are absurdly overwhelming - someone walks past smoking and I almost need to stop and shake after them in rage. I want to cry in the street because I’m bumbling along focusing on getting one foot in front of the other without tripping on some millimetre-proud paving stone, one hand fisted in my jeans pocket to stop my trousers falling down, all the time my entourage kindly pretending this is how people behave - while everyone else walks past at a normal pace, just doing things… normally. But this, really, is as bad as it gets, and when I think (or am reminded, for example, by the disabled kid in the pushchair at the supermarket) of how bad it could be, I feel ashamed and selfish.
And then we get home, and I sit down, and someone makes me some herbal tea, and we put on some music, and after about ten minutes my breath returns and life is normal and my spirits are restored. And everyone lets out their breath and can stop tiptoeing around me.
My parents are back from Oxford after a couple of days’ break from their caretaking duties, and are currently making a big and somehow miraculously low-salt stew in the kitchen. Emilie is emailing friends and sorting paperwork, enjoying the break from her caretaking duties. I am guiltily posting to the blog, chewing down a (75% state-reimbursed) protein shake which, along with my hospital-advised two big portions of meat or fish a day, should help put the poundage (”kilogrammage” just won’t roll) back on. After dinner, we have a selection of DVDs to watch that various people have lent, given, or provided for with incredibly generous Amazon gift-certificates, and really, I have to say - life is good.
So what else has been going on? I’ve shaved all my head hair off to avoid seeing it fall, which is the coward’s way out but the hell with it. Chemo side effects were a little stronger this weekend, but still thankfully nothing major - touching cold things, or going from a hot room to a cold room, has been provoking a crazy and disturbing tingling paralysis in my fingers and hands and lips and tongue, but this is less marked every day and is apparently completely to be expected. The big purple needle replaced my appetite, which had grown to big rumbling dog levels, by nausea - but I’ve got other drugs which stop that being a problem, and my desire to eat stupid amounts of flesh and vegetable is gradually returning. I had big comedy swollen feet on Sunday, which I panicked came from too much Marmite messing with the cortisone, but the hospital reassured me by phone (or rather reassured Emilie, who really is much better at this talking French thing) that it was more likely down to mon petit cul rouquin not budging from its comfortable Ikea chair the whole day - and indeed, after a much more active Monday, feet went down and spirits went up.
If I had to give up Marmite for breakfast, that really would be the end of normal.
10 responses so far ↓
Ruy & Debora // October 16, 2007 at 10:20 pm
Is nice to know that although you are having short walks you are getting out for some fresh air…and I must say that Paris is an amazing place to do it!Take care (more, if needed!). We are quite addicted to your blog, mate!
giles (palmer) // October 17, 2007 at 9:45 am
what’s your address joe - i have the full set of barbie videos just itching to cross the channel.
my own personal favourite is barbie and the princess and the pauper, although my daughters prefer barbie swan lake
neither one gets close to sponge bob’s squarepants though - so i’ll slip that one in too for good measure.
Diane // October 17, 2007 at 3:27 pm
If you keen on Marmite then try not to get pregnant, seriously, when I was expecting all three of mine I reached a stage where TOAST gave me indigestion and Marmite and porridge really didn’t hit the spot as an alternative combination.
So think on, when you begin to get all your energy back ……!
and enjoy the Barbie videos, how could you resist accepting that offer
diane x
James B // October 18, 2007 at 3:59 pm
If you’re getting angry at smokers, I can imagine France is the worst place for you at the moment!!!
Truly mate, you sound like you’re coping so admirably with this whole nightmare (as do Emilie and your family, it can’t be easy on any of you), words fail me (except for these ones, but you know what I mean).
hang in there fella,
James
Laura // October 18, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Hi Joe,
your blog is so great and funny. you’re doing so well
We also get cross with smokers but that is probably because we have become a bit spoilt in Norway after having the smoking ban in resturants for so long - should be banned in all public places if you ask me.
May a suggest that you invest in a belt - that will free up a hand for added shaking at smokers
Good idea to go for a “Captain Picard” and not cowardly at all, I think - plus otherwise you would just be making a mess of the sofa like our cat does.
Love from Laura
katja // October 18, 2007 at 10:09 pm
dear joe, i’d just like to quietly tip-toe into your blog and blow you a kiss.
x
with much love, Katja
katja // October 18, 2007 at 10:10 pm
dear joe, i’d just like to quietly tip-toe into your blog and blow you a kiss.
x
with much love, Katja
Ricardo Bass Mouse // October 19, 2007 at 1:00 pm
hi mate - wishing you all the best, played a RoH gig last week and was thumping out basslines in your honour - sinking of ships rocked the phat one, as they say in the crib.
Take care
Rich
RedYeti // October 20, 2007 at 4:28 pm
It’s a shock when you realise how hard your body has been working whilst you’ve been watching the DVDs.
After I lost two stone in three weeks due to the dreaded Glandular Fever I remember with a smile my very own pair of ginger twiglet legs (hey - not called Red Yeti for nothing over here!).
Since it was “The Glandge” I felt better again, and then worse and then better and so on for a while. In March 2002 I remember that if I foolishly tried to walk up the stairs from the kitchen in 10 Trinity, past your room, and then without stopping attempt the flight to the bathroom… I couldn’t make it. Just had to stop half way, pant, grip the banister and keep my eyes wide open to keep track of the tricky spinning effect that was going on around me lest it accelerated when I closed my eyes and sent me slithering down a snake to the start!
But! (Sorry about the absurdly short sentence there - in my defence it’s becoming “common usage”. Hmmm… though perhaps the same could be said of “init”?) Anyhow - But! By the following September I was walking the Tour of Mont Blanc in the Alps with Gray and Steve White. And not only that, I ended up carrying Gray’s kit when he pulled a leg muscle!
http://picasaweb.google.com/RedYetiDave/200209HalfTheTourOfMontBlancChamonixToCourmayeur/photo?authkey=OCpweCx5hlU#5122998158625617506
And now of course my blog is one long obsession with carrying things around mountains for increasingly long distances.
Just by way of saying that you should enjoy the novelty of feeling extra tall due to the elongated aspect ratio of the ginger twiglets since it won’t last
Idetrorce // December 16, 2007 at 5:12 am
very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce
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