Ben Non Bar None

Three days ago, I saw the “Arte” channel for the first time. Six young, attractive men and women danced, swayed and groped in a sunny courtyard. Then they were on a beach in white cotton, delicately moving to some shared and fearsome rhythm. I cackled in surprise, and with the pure joy of watching stupid foreigners doing something clearly ridiculous. Enjoying dance! Without irony!

But of course, I am the stupid foreigner. Today, my eighth day in Paris, my television has shown me Sean Lennon, Lily Allen (how did I miss she was the demon-child of Keith?) and art-rock-post-whatever-bores The Rakes attempting (Sean passably, Lily endearingly, The Rakes laughably) to conduct an interview in French. When they struggle, our host (a kind of malevolant non-ginger Chris Evans) switches to English - except with Sean Lennon, who he appeared to have taken a dislike to. The “bonus” section of the program shows the acts rehearsing before the show is filmed - cut to Sean forlornly strumming his guitar in the corridor, trying to shake out a lost pick for about seven minutes, screwing up the chords on a busked Hendrix song.

Then we have The Blur Pistols Asyl, with their new single “Intérieur Extérieur“ (or “Song 2” followed by “Girls and Boys“ with the chorus from “Anarchy In The UK“). I’m getting old. Everything I hear sounds like something else. Oh, for those teenage days when Green Day sounded so new and fresh.

I need to see something live, something with energy and couilles (get me, a French word). That is my next goal, having mastered the art of French staircases, doors, lightswitches and toilets (remarkably similar to their English counterparts) and basic purchasing of goods (except if anything more involved is required than grunts and handing over of money). But first, tonight, it’s the cinema for “A Scanner Darkly” (version originale, of course). Everyone told me the first few weeks make you tired, as your brain tries to deal with all the words being different - and it’s true. I go to bed at 10.30, more tired than after a bank holiday weekend at Legends Of The Dark Black. I need a rest. Watching French subtitles, I tell myself, will still be beneficial. I need to sign up for the French course. I need to have a study timetable. I need to start reading French blogs.

Demain, ladies and gents. Good night from Paris.